[LONG!] A Review Of Every James Bond Movie By Someone Who Isn’t Really A Fan

Lately I've been on a franchise binging kick after binging all the Saw movies back to back and really enjoying the experience. I noticed Netflix had (almost) every Bond film until April 20th. Naturally, I decided to watch them all in two weeks. I went mostly in release order (except Never Say Never Again, which I forgot existed and had to awkwardly circle back to at the end), and I skipped the 1967 Casino Royale because… I simply do not have that kind of strength.

A few weeks ago I made a post on the James Bond subreddit saying I wanted some general advice moving forward through the Bond series. And like most people said, the advice didn't help because it seemed there was no consistency to my opinions. I heard if I'd liked more down to earth movies certain movies would work better for me and vice versa. In the end I just ended up tolerating what I did on a case by case basis.

And I do say tolerate, because I didn't end up leaving this project any more enamored with the franchise then I was going in. These movies just aren’t my thing. I struggle to connect with Bond, a lot of the films blur together, and somehow they’re both over-the-top and kind of boring to me.

That said, this isn't a hate post I genuinely love hearing other people’s opinions, and I know these movies mean a lot to people. I love that you love these movies. Instead I am here to offer you a unique perspective with my take on every Bond movie in release order as a non Bond fan. So think of this as one non-Bond fan’s full-series experience, with me trying to focus on what I did enjoy. I tried to focus on the things that I like when watching a movie so this won't be a huge post of me bashing every single entry I promise.

Quick disclaimers:

• Yes, the sexism and racism is there. I noticed. Sometimes it really hurt my feelings. Sometimes it made me feel like I was less than human. But I’m not going to repeat that 26 times, because even the new movies are still pretty bad in these regards. BUT AGAIN this isn't what I want to get into, just assume every movie starts with the sentence "sexism/racism aside-"
• I like old movies. I like long movies. That’s not why I didn't like these. A lot of my favorite movies are very old or very long. So those two factors have nothing to do with me not "getting" the movie.
• I did grow up with Bond, mostly Connery's version. so it’s not a nostalgia gap either.
• These movies blended together so much that I started giving them alternative titles, which honestly became one of my favorite parts, but it became harder the further I got so some of the titles just turned into what I remembered most from the movie.

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Dr No: The one with the beach

It’s the first Bond movie ever made, and… yeah, it feels like it. It's no secret that I don't like this movie very much, although there is a chance I would like it more upon rewatch after sitting through much worse content. However, I think I'm fine never watching this one again. One thing I liked about this movie was James Bond himself. "like" is a strong word for it, but I did find him the most likable here then I do for a long time. Otherwise most of this is a blur for me and I unfortunately found it to be a bit of a bore. Great theme song though, I hope I get to hear it 24 more times constantly in each movie. Three blind mice was iconic.

From Russia With Love: The one with the train

The one my dad really liked. This is a solid movie. I appreciated it more as I watched more movies that came after it that really sucked! So that's cool. I found it to be much more entertaining then the first movie, and didn't get all that bored making my way through it. Although it's far from my favorite, it's one that I'll always understand being someone else's favorite. I find the whole mission set up to be pretty funny, and I liked Tatiana. I especially liked Klebb, she was a fun little villain. Good theme song, certainly an iconic movie.

Goldfinger: The one with the golfing

Sorry guys, I'm a normie. This is my favorite Bond movie. I still have a million problems with it, it isn't a movie I'd just put on very often. But I found this one to be the best mix of genuinely good, and fun for me. I do think it goes on a little long but none of the movies ever reached my enjoyment of this one again. Goldfinger (the guy) is iconic, I love how pathetic and greedy he is. And how much of a stinky cheater he is too. The golfing scene was so much fun (never thought I, someone who does not like golfing at all, would ever say that in my life) and Pussy Galore ("I must be in heaven") is still a forever icon. Also what a good theme song! So good that they brought Shirley Bassey back twice!

Thunderball: The one with WAY too much scuba diving

I hated this movie.

"No but you don't understand people from the 60's had never seen water before! you just don't get it-" I do, I do get it.

The water is pretty, it is very cool that they did all that. But it never ends. As soon as the movie ended I couldn't even remember what the plot even was, all I had ingrained in my memories was SO MUCH SCUBA DIVING!!!!!! I watched all the Saw movies and didn't miss a wink of sleep, but suddenly my dreams were nightmares ridden with scuba diving. This was torture. If you love this movie, WHY? No but if you love that, I understand that for many its like a vibes vacation movie. A lot of people hate Bambi for the same reasons but I enjoy it because it's a vibes movie that I can get behind. I can see where you could maybe possibly get enjoyment in Thunderball. I am just so not the person that ever could. The beginning stuff with the jet pack was awesome but that was about it for me. The theme song was solid, not my favorite but it did the job.

You Only Live Twice: The weeb one

Pretty sure my dad liked this one a lot too, one of my greatest wishes is to find a way to go back in time and ask him why? Sexism and racism aside, I mostly found it so hard to care about anything in this movie or root for our titular character at all and I found it to be really slow and was begging for it to end by the time he got turned into a Japanese guy. Some good things, I cheered at the beginning because James Bond died! Too bad it didn't last. I do also like a lot of the volcano stuff, especially because it was so dumb and fun on its own that Austin Powers just kind of took it and did it verbatim as a joke. Also I nearly had a brain aneurism when I saw Roald Dahl wrote this, what are you doing here dude? He returns to write the screenplay for the most underrated James Bond entry, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang as well. The theme song was alright, I love Nancy Sinatra but it didn't stick with me. Generally like alot of stuff visually in this movie but everything else is so not for me.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service: The one with the skiing

This is a weird one for me. I didn’t think I liked it while watching, maybe it was residual YOLT trauma, but afterward it stuck with me. Maybe it is the ending that does a lot of heavy lifting, as it is definitely the best ending in the series as far as I'm concerned. I like that not many things carry over to the other movies but the loss of Tracy does. It was also just really well done? Everything from the wedding to the credits rolling felt like a sweet little end of an era. Him waving goodbye and throwing the hat to Moneypenny? My heart! but again, this is just maybe 3 minutes I might be basing all this on. I liked the love story here pretty well, I liked the funny hypnotism army of hot ladies. I declare this movie a pretty good entry! We have all the time in the world by Louis Armstrong makes me emo, great little theme. Also hours of skiing >>> hours of scuba diving.

Diamonds are Forever: The one in Vegas

God this was dull. I barely remember it. I remember liking the two assassin villains in this quite a lot, I wish there was much more of them. The funeral stuff was kinda fun? I'm grasping at straws here guys. It felt like it was trying to be as safe as possible and by doing that, it felt like no one wanted to be there and everyone (including me) was bored. I was pretty excited at this point to move on from Connery and see what the Moore era would offer me. The theme song was great though! Good job as usual Shirley.

Live and Let Die: The one with the alligators

Who knew that the Wings song was the theme of this movie? Oh all of you did and it was just me? Yeah that makes sense. That said I had a pretty good time here. It felt too long by the end but it was silly enough that I was never bored. The music is great here. I just like the vibes here man. That said, this is probably as good as Moore ever was for me, and even then I was thinking "I can't wait till he gets better at these so I can really root for him" And once again I never really did end up that enamored with him. Loved seeing Geoffrey Holder, he should have been in more things! Also Yaphet Kotto of alien fame is here? We got such a stacked cast. Overall, a bit too long but silly with good music and style.

The Man with the Golden Gun: The one where that man has a golden gun

Christopher Lee as a Bond villain who can only be recognized by his third nipple. Color me intrigued. I had more fun with this then I expected. It was far from perfect, definitely a step down from LALD and felt way more boring and long at times. However, the ending fight was pretty fun and can we talk about how this movie has probably one of the coolest car stunts ever that is ruined (or dare I say elevated) by a slide whistle sound effect. Anyways this movie was solid a good mix of I'm hating this and loving this, mostly because it is earnestly being very silly. I however, did not like the theme song, it felt like she had to get it finished before the due date at midnight. Only upside of it was I definitely didn't forget that there was a guy who had a golden gun in this movie.

The Spy Who Loved Me: The one with the submarine

Uh oh here comes the normie again…I liked this one. It's my second favorite Bond movie for sure. I think I'd be more likely to rewatch it over Goldfinger too but I acknowledge that one as being more consistently good rather than whatever this movie was. Definitely good for a Bond movie. It felt like the first real movie I'd watched for ages. Anya was a great character with a great arc, and I LOVE Jaws. It took me forever to actually remember his name so I deemed him Chomp man to the friends I was relying my Bond experiences to, because this guy loves to chomp anything he sees. Huge fan of him. Fantastic music, Bond should be more disco more often. And Nobody Does It Better is definitely my favorite Bond theme by a mile. I listen to it all the time just in my free time cuz it jams so hard.

Moonraker: The one with the rocket ship

They really needed to hurry up and go to the moon guys. This movie would be so much better if they hurried up and just went to the damn moon. I remember looking at the poster and going "There's no way they're doing James Bond in space" But they were! Only for them to barely give me a taste of it. Surprisingly quite dull for a movie about rocket ships and going to the moon. Chomp man does return and gets the redemption and ending he deserved 10/10 best bond character. I originally thought this was the worst Shirley Bassey theme but upon relistening I actually think its just as good as the others. She never misses!

For Your Eyes Only: The one in Greece? or maybe with a little ice skating? I don't know what happened in this movie

This was boring guys. As soon as it ended I couldn't remember anything that happened other than thinking Bibi was a little annoying but I felt mean for thinking that. I took notes saying more ice skating then I expected and just underlined the word Greece so that's all I had to go off of! The hockey mugging was weird, Margaret Thatcher was weird, and it all just feels very tired. I was subconsciously fully expecting the theme song to be If I Could Fly before I watched this and realized that's a One Direction song and is pretty unlikely to be the theme for a Bond movie in 1981. The one they actually used felt like a sitcom opening, not my favorite.

Octopussy: The one with the circus

Guys I was so excited to watch a movie called Octopussy. I was expecting full camp and absurdity, nearly like I was getting with the earlier Moore films. But instead I got a pretty boring movie with a handful of good scenes. I heard a few people say "This movie is great if you ignore the clown stuff" NO! This movie is only great when there is clown stuff! I love when he was a clown and trying to convince them there was a bomb but he was a clown in a circus so no one was believing him. There was a lot of little stuff like that in this movie that I had hoped would add up for me, but in the end it was sadly did not. I think I'm just ready for the the Dalton Bond era.

A View to Kill: The one with the horses

Christopher Walken and GRACE JONES WITH SUPER STRENGTH are the bad guys and also own a fancy horse business or something (I don't know anything about horse businesses if you cant tell). Everything about this should have worked for me, I am a recovered horse girl from childhood, I love Christopher Walken and I LOVE Grace Jones. But once again, it was a bit dull. Certainly too long. Overall I'd say uneven. Id be bored, then something cool would happen and id get bored again. OR something crazy would happen like Christopher Walken's father figure, the Mortner guy, who did steroid experiments on pregnant women in concentration camps that made babies psychopathic geniuses (spoiler Walken is one of those evil babies). That is soooooo Metal Gear I love that. (yes I know metal gear is really just one big James Bond reference but I played those before I saw this). Duran Duran made the theme song? Thats crazy! I've heard better themes but its fun nonetheless.

The Living Daylights: The one with the exploding milk bottles

Timothy Dalton has finally arrived, and he does a pretty good job! I think he might be my favorite Bond? Maybe because I like him as an actor quite a bit outside of the James Bond role (which I really don't like). It's hard to say for sure when he only made two movies. By this point in my viewing experience I wasn't having much fun anymore. So I asked a friend to join me for the rest of the movies who had no opinion on Bond and had only ever seen Skyfall (which they liked when they were eleven). This movie was pretty good for the first hour, then it fell off a bit towards the end. I think it suffers from the same issue most Bond movies do, they're too long. Again, I am not against a long movie! I just watched a three hour movie the other day and loved it. I just think it often feels like they don't justify the runtime for me. That said this felt like a real movie and I liked the more espionagey feel it has. Overall it gets a "I kinda like it/10" The theme was done by a-ha? This is getting far too local for me (it gets even more local as we go). It was a catchy solid theme song, good job!

License to Kill: The one with the wedding

I really expected to like this one more. I've been told time and again that this is the dark one, this is the one that means business! But it really felt like just like all of the other movies. Rip Sharky though, that guy was a real one. But honestly, I think the beginning is great and sad. It's a good motivator for sure. The end was pretty fun too. But that middle chunk, at least for me, was really rough. I know a lot of people like this one, at least in retrospect, so I'm sorry I really didn't. But I DID like Gladys Knight absolutely popping off in that theme song, what a jam. I'm sad this is it for Dalton! I really enjoyed his take on the character, it made me hate him a little less.

Goldeneye: The one with Sean Bean

I always either heard this was the worst movie ever or it was actually the best movie ever. I fall in between. It's a James Bond movie, they're all pretty similar. I was way less bored here than in Licence to Kill. The music is great, the plot concept is solid, and I agree it’s objectively the best Brosnan film, even if it’s not my personal favorite. It just makes the most sense most of the time.

I did like the crazy Russian lady she was fun. And things like Alan Cumming hacking the planet is so 1995 I love it. So I generally liked the style, but not the actual content (Honestly, that sums up my feelings on the whole series: I generally love the style, even if I’m lukewarm on the actual content). Funny enough, the friend I’ve been marathoning these with begged for mercy after this one. They hated the Dalton era and couldn't understand how I was still sane. I was shocked since GoldenEye is so much more watchable than something like For Your Eyes Only, but then I realized they hadn't been "in the trenches" with the older films like I have. Anyways I love Tina Turner but this song felt like a little less good version of Gladys Knights License to Kill theme. I do like the backtrack part of it but the theme itself is a tad forgettable.

Tomorrow Never Dies: The one with the motorcycle

I feel like a lot of people also hate this movie and say it's the worst one, it isn't. It's fine. It is the most okay movie ever made and thus I don't have a lot to say. The villain in this is a cartoon and really disjointed and weird. This feels like what might have happened if Roman Roy got made chairman in Succession. Michelle Yeoh wasn't in this enough. She ABSOLUTELY stole the show from Brosnan anytime she got to do something. I love Sheryl Crow so this was a jammin theme.

The World Is Not Enough: the one with the oil pipelines (riveting).

The movie was not enough. This is easily my least favorite Brosnan entry. Not even a character named Christmas Jones could save it. I will miss Q, his exit made me kind of emotional despite never caring much about his character before. Ya never know what you have until its gone…and its replaced by a pretty unfunny John Cleese or later on, twink Paddington. I appreciate the attempt at scale here but everything going on just falls flat. The guy you think is the villain seems like he'll be cool because 1. He's Rumpelstiltskin in OUAT and 2. He cant feel pain! I wonder how the movie will utilize that? (They don't do much with it). The villain ended up being PLOT TWIST the girl is evil. If you sleep with Bond too early you're either Evil or dead. The theme was written by Garbage, how telling for the quality of the movie-

Okay I'll stop being mean. I actually like the band Garbage, but the theme was sort of meh. Overall the movie wasn't that much worse then a lot of what I'd seen before but it still wasn't very interesting.

Die Another Day: The one with Madonna

It's time I come clean. This will be my hottest take yet. It will make you lose all respect for me. The Madonna theme was actually a huge bop and everyone needs to put some respect on it. Does it suit James Bond very much? No not really. Has it been on loop after being added to my spotify playlist? Yes it has. Sigmund Freud? Analyze this.

I'm no Freud but I'll try to analyze my thoughts on this movie. Is it very good? no. It makes no sense and is a complete mess. Is it the most fun I'd had since the early 70s? Absolutely. This is like the Saw 7 of James Bond movies (only true intellectuals will understand the comparison). It is best watched as a comedy then anything else. I also really love the action in this movie, the sword fight was awesome. Halle Berry is fun. And Madonna is a fencing teacher! How nice of her to keep her role to a minimum for this extended Madonna music video starring Pierce Brosnan. Overall not good, but also very good.

Casino Royale: the one with the poker

This was a well made movie. I expected to like it more since I love the cast to death and although the director did make that really bad Green Lantern movie, he also made the Zorro movies and those are fun. I was shocked by how mean Bond was in this, he's always mean but the movies tend to act like he isn't, he's just cool. This one was actually going "woah! chill out dude" constantly and he never chilled out. I do get thats the point though. This Bond is different, he is less suave charisma, more cool serious guy. I never did decide if I liked this direction, I was begging for them to make Bond have actual arcs and make him more fallible. And Craigs iteration does deliver on that, but feels a bit more generic now. I know every Bond is different and they represent their eras idea of the coolest guy ever, but they all still somewhat felt like the same guy to me. Craig's feels quite different. He is more emotional and best of all he fails sometimes, but it feels disconnected nonetheless. That said I think that was the goal, this Bond is meant to feel different and especially seem like an asshole at first so you recognize his growth through his CONTAINED set of movies. Craig has his own beginning middle and end unlike the rest of the franchise, they never felt like a reboot till now. I'm fine with this direction, I'm sure it's what was needed at the time. But not exactly what I personally wanted.

Back to the actual movie. As for the plot, Vesper is okay, but I didn't buy the depth of their relationship. Her fate didn't phase me because it felt rushed, especially compared to the solid pacing of the rest of the film. I know Bond has always rushed through relationships, even the better relationship he had with Tracy was very rushed. But this one stood out for some reason. I know he has always been orphaned (from the climbing accident) but this movie begins the cycle of that becoming nearly 70% of his whole personality. It felt a little awkward (as it always does for me) but it's mostly fine here. Hannibal Lecter is great here. I definitely didn't expect him to bust Bond's balls, that was sure something. At times I felt the movie thought I was stupid. Do I know how to play poker? No. So them telling me about tells and stuff made sense but they were constantly over-explaining and pointing out Le Chiffre’s "tells" only to pull a "Haha, gotcha!" when it was a fake tell. Yeah, you got me, because you told me five times! It’s a nitpick, but it was irritating. Still it's one of the better movies. The theme song was pretty good, suited Craigs first movie for sure.

Quantum of Solace: The one that has something to do with the water supply

Uh oh. The worst Bond movie ever made. Did I hate watching Thunderball more? Is something like Never Say Never again or For Your Eyes Only clearly a worse made film? Sure. But when I tell you that I remembered NOTHING that happened in this movie when it ended I am not exaggerating. At least in the past forgettable movies I remembered Greece existed or something. This movie gave me absolutely nothing. Not even a good theme song! The theme song sucked! Only saving grace is someone's name was Strawberry Fields, but the movie was too cowardly to tell me till the end. At least in the World Is Not Enough they owned Dr. Christmas Jones with their full chest.

Skyfall: The one with the Batman-ification of James Bond

This might be my biggest hot take yet, possibly even bigger than liking the Madonna song, but I didn't actually like Skyfall that much. DON'T SHOOT ME! I honestly don’t get why this one impressed everyone so much. I do like a bigger focus on M, before Judy Dench became M, they were like the least interesting person in the extended cast. I wasn't sure how I felt about Paddington being Q now but the idea of Q looking like a One Direction reject has grown on me as that is SO 2012. I also liked Moneypenny, even if her name reveal felt a bit awkward (very Spider-Man Homecoming MJ reveal).

I don't really like the Nolan-ification of James Bond that the movies really swerve in the direction of here. But I get it is a popular style so I'll deal with it. What I don't get is the mommy issues with M that Bond has now or how Dark Knight this movie is. Before you ask "have you ever seen any other movie? just because they're both orphans doesn't mean he's batman" I agree! I'm probably wrong. But the whole time I was like Javier Bardem is just the Joker in this (what with the intentional convoluted capturing plan and his manic yet incredible genius or whatever). You see Bond's childhood home where he was mostly raised by the family's employed groundkeeper in this large empty mansion. I'm just not a fan of the "orphan trauma" angle, and it’s dialed up to eleven here. Also now M is gone and instead I have the blandest Ralph Fiennes ever as her replacement!

As for Adele’s theme? The visuals were great, but I have literal school-age trauma from that song being played everywhere. It’s overplayed, though objectively good. Skyfall is a well-made movie and wouldn't rank at the bottom of my list, but personally? It’s just a little overhyped.

Spectre: The one where Blofield is his long lost kinda brother

Wow, this movie sucked. That sudden family connection was so clunky, and they somehow managed to make Christoph Waltz boring. How? I like Léa Seydoux; her character is one of the better-developed love interests I’ve seen in a while, even if she’s better in the next one. It also feels repetitive, a lot of it I'm like okay didn't we just do this in the last movie? I know Bond is always doing the same things in slightly different font but since the Craig era tries to have a serialized plot rather than the old episodic style, I’m less inclined to suspend my disbelief when the story stalls out like this. Also the theme song, it is pretty good if not a little bland but I was shocked Sam Smith was here. That is the most 2015 choice I have ever heard. Overall way too long and way too clunky.

No Time to Die: The one where he in fact, did find the time.

After disliking pretty much every Craig movie save for Casino Royale, I was not expecting to like this movie but I really did! Rami Malek's villain isn't very strong, I actually don't understand him at all. He saved Madeleine then was like you owe me several decades later for some reason? I did think he was creepy enough though. And although I think this movie gets Madeleine involved in a weird way, I like a lot of what I see anyways. I love the opening sequence with the home invasion. Her break up with Bond felt more emotional then the Vesper situation (to me), and she was a pretty fierce mom. Speaking of, if Skyfall is the batmanification of James Bond, this is the Loganification. I liked it though. I am much more easily manipulated by that sort of trope than deep-cut orphan drama. I even, god forbid, got a bit emotional at the end and MIGHT have shed a very manly single tear. It was a good send off to Bond and especially Craigs iteration. Also great theme song! A solid movie with some plot contrivances I was happy to overlook.

[Bonus] Never Say Never Again: The one where they did Thunderball again

After I finished all of the real Bond movies I realized I forgot the non-canon ones and quickly made myself watch this when I REALLY didn't want to because it was going to be gone within the next 24 hours. This movie is JUST what I wanted, more Thunderball. I found it easier to follow than Thunderball, I actually enjoyed the first 20 to 30 minutes and the general concept here, that this guy is super old and has to go to physical therapy and stuff. Then I got quickly, very bored. Although there was thankfully much less scuba diving, I found everything about this much less memorable. So I guess…I will painstakingly give Thunderball the win here. I could not get myself to track down Casino Royale 1967 just to torture myself further by subjecting myself to seeing Woody Allen, so I stopped here. I wish I stopped at No Time to Die because that was a much more memorable ending for this binge.

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And there you have it, the longest review ever. I feel like I sounded way too negative towards the end, I just generally found the older dumber movies sillier and had an easier time being positive with them for whatever reason even if I actually disliked them more.

I may have gone into this expecting to leave as a Bond fan, and didn't. But I still am quite proud of this binge and I regret nothing. There was always at least one scene I enjoyed in each movie, and I always loved the styles and music of these movies. It was fun to see the changes from year to year to decade to decade, and how the character changed a bit depending on who played him. I may not be a Bond fan, but I do understand the fans a lot more now.

If you have any questions or want to share your own takes please feel free, the only thing I like more than sharing my opinions, is hearing someone else's.

Also! If anyone wants to see how I actually would rank them from most to least tolerable here is my list, but I warn you it is not anywhere near objective.